There've been signs of trouble around Artemis Fowl for quite some time. After spending years developing it, Disney bumped the adaptation of Eoin Colfer's science-fantasy novels back nearly ten months from its original date in August 2019, before abandoning its theatrical release and sending it straight to Disney+ in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic. Even if everything on the production had gone to plan, Artemis Fowl would've still been up against it, releasing well after Colfer's books peaked in popularity and the Harry Potter-inspired wave of YA fantasy adaptations had faded away. But, as it turns out, arriving too late is the least of this movie's problems. A jumbled mess of an adaptation, Artemis Fowl struggles to entertain on its own terms, much less as a Disney-fied re-imagining of its source material.

Newcomer Ferdia Shaw stars as Artemis Fowl II, as 12-year old boy genius whose world is rocked when his father, Artemis Fowl I (Colin Farrell), goes missing and is accused of stealing countless priceless artifacts from around the world. As young Artemis soon learns, that's just the tip of the iceberg: for generations, the Fowls have secretly collected artifacts proving that magical creatures exist, and his dad is now being held captive by an exceptionally dangerous fairy named Opal Koboi, who wants to know where Artemis I has hidden a powerful magical device known as the Aculos. With the help of his family's trusted bodyguard/servant, Domovoi "Dom" Butler (Nonso Anozie), Artemis II hatches an elaborate plan to rescue his father - one that puts him right in the crosshairs of the Lower Elements Police (LEPrecon for short) and other fantastical forces.



Artemis Fowl's greatest crime (pardon the wording) isn't that it deviates from Colfer's novels; it's that it makes little sense as a standalone work, and is so confusing it barely manages to check all the requisite boxes to qualify as a full-fledged origin story. The majority of the film's world-building and key plot information is relayed through clunky exposition - most notably, and frustratingly, tedious voiceover from the unusually-large dwarf Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) as he's "interrogated" by British Intelligence in a narrative thread that seemingly has no reason to exist other than as an excuse for Mulch to explain to viewers what's even happening at any time. There are hints that, at a certain point, Artemis Fowl delved deeper into ideas about humanity's rejection of magic over the centuries and wove a theme around the notion of Artemis II, Mulch, and Lara McDonnell as the young LEPrecon officer Holly Short (who plays a leading role in the story) all being outsiders in their respective communities. Whether it's a result of reshoots or changes made earlier on in its development, the final version of the movie abandons those elements almost as soon as they're introduced.

Indeed, watching Artemis Fowl there's a sense the screenplay - credited to Irish playwright Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl (Johnny English Reborn) - got put through the meat grinder on its journey. It could also be a case of too many cooks in the kitchen; the movie strives to be a sincere love letter to Ireland (the place both Colfer and Artemis call home) and its history while also serving as the launchpad for a flashy Disney franchise, but fails at fully working as either one. Even director Kenneth Branagh seems lost when it comes to the tone he's aiming for, awkwardly blending moments of serious drama with wacky fantasy-action and comedic hijinks (many of them courtesy of Mulch). The filmmaking is equally uneven, giving rise to a collection of frantically-constructed acton sequences painted with an oddly dull color palette. Despite being shot by Branagh's trusted DP Haris Zambarloukos, Artemis Fowl is not only far blander-looking than most of Branagh's tentpoles from the last ten years, it also feels curiously limited in scope (even with a $125 million budget at its disposal).



 Judi Dench and Josh Gad in Disney Artemis Fowl Judi Dench and Josh Gad in Artemis Fowl
It would be easier to forgive Artemis Fowl for being messy and perhaps trying to cram too much mythology into a single film if the whole thing didn't feel so generic, on top of everything else. Characters like Artemis II, Holly, and Dom are never fleshed out beyond basic archetypes and end up lacking personality (through no real fault of the actors), and even Dame Judi Dench gets little more to do than growl and scowl as Holly's seasoned superior, Commander Root. Mulch is propped up as the Han Solo of the movie, so to speak, but for a character with some truly bizarre physical qualities (like the ability to change the shape of his jaw so he can dig through dirt by eating it) he's oddly forgettable and, frankly, a little irritating after a while. Elsewhere, Farrell is barely in the film long enough to leave an impression (and, again, spends much of his screen time delivering exposition), and Tamara Smart as Juliet, Dom's niece, had the potential to be a fun sidekick, had the movie not almost immediately forgotten her or given her more to do than make people sandwiches.



With a runtime short of ninety minutes (not counting the end credits), Artemis Fowl comes across as a film that probably wasn't working in an earlier form, prompting Disney to chop it down to size so it could maximize the number of times it can play in theaters on a daily basis, then ship it off to Disney+ when the coronavirus lockdowns began. There are much better exclusive titles on the service for kids and their families to watch, and the movie itself seems destined to join other forgotten would-be Disney franchise starters in the future. Newcomers to the world of Artemis Fowl would thusly be better off reading the books instead - and those who already have might want to simply revisit them, rather than giving themselves a headache trying to make sense of how this adaptation turned out the way it did.