I thought I recognized what love was, what love should feel like. I'd never felt it, yet I've seen films. I've perused books, I had a thought. I'd constantly characterized myself as a miserable sentimental who's never been infatuated. In any case, I anticipated it, since I was a child I longed for having an accomplice throughout everyday life.
Getting older, I watched everybody around me settle down and become hopelessly enamored. I was dependably the single one in the gathering, I had this thought in my mind of what love ought to be and on the off chance that it didn't feel impeccable, I'd proceed onward. No reason for squandering anybody's time. I became acclimated to being separated from everyone else. So accustomed to it, I chose I preferred it better as such. I tune in to my companions gripe about how horrendous their connections are and I just idea there were increasingly significant things throughout everyday life, so as seriously as I needed to be infatuated, I set it aside for later. I concentrated on myself. I wound up free, independent, and found my genuine dreams, things I needed to do throughout everyday life, they were a lot simpler to concentrate on without an accomplice.
When they said you'll discover love when you quit searching for it, they weren't joking. You came totally out of nowhere. One day you were only some person I'd seen at a couple of blazes with companions, and the following thing I realized we were at the shoreline, endeavoring to get each other wet and shrouded in sand. You were all of a sudden my closest companion.
All that I did had you in it. Any break I got from work I spent messaging you, any choice I needed to make I got your conclusion on first. Resting was so a lot simpler since I had you to nod off with. It resembles I got all that I at any point needed in you. I sensed that I was in a gooey sentiment film, and I never needed it to end.
Be that as it may, it was unrealistic. You were unrealistic.
Ignoring my gut instinct will forever be my biggest regret. I don’t understand how a love like ours, a love so pure and spontaneous, could be built on lies. I don’t get how the one person I depended on for everything, could be so far from who I thought they were. I’m confused, how I could be so naïve to believe my first love would be my forever love.
Don’t ever doubt how much I loved you, though. I loved you like a fish loves water, like you were everywhere, and I couldn’t survive without you.
When you take a fish out of water, it doesn’t understand what’s happening, it’s just gasping for air, confused why it’s suddenly suffocating. That’s what happened when I lost you. I didn’t get it, how someone who claims to love you so much could just walk away so easily. It didn’t make sense.
The world is cruel in that way. The universe is constantly moving, and the night I fell for you the stars aligned perfectly, watching me finally receive everything I’d ever dreamed of, knowing they’d soon come undone, and with them, my entire life. They watched me find my greatest joy, waiting for me to finally feel my greatest loss. The greatest heartbreak is the one you desperately tried to prevent. That was you.
Maybe you weren’t meant to be the love of my life, as much as I want you to be. Maybe it’s better we don’t talk, even when it feels like there’s so much left to be said. Maybe you were simply a lesson in my life. A brutal, sadistic, harsh lesson, to never put too much trust in a single person again.
You taught me to depend on myself, in the most heartless way possible. Losing you, ripped me apart, piece by piece, until all was left was the shell of the girl I was.
I was an entire universe as you found me, and a burned down, abandoned town as you left me. You took all that you could, and left me broken, the bitter taste of heartbreak flooding in. You gave me no choice to rebuild.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was I. Recreating everything you destroyed wasn’t an option, I had to create a new world for myself, I had to create a new me. I had to wipe every trace left of you, and start new. I turned the scraps you left, into skyscrapers, I built walls around the deepest part of me so no one could destroy me the way you did again.
I was built on a new foundation this time. I was built on the ruins you left, I was stronger, more protected, this time. No one can get in through the locked gates, the key to myself is hidden where nobody could ever find it.
My self peace is now my only priority. You cannot take that from me again. You may have been able to manipulate the gullible, innocent, young girl I once was, but you don’t know the first thing about the woman I am now. I had to change, I had to grow, I had to lose a few things about myself along the way.
When creating a new life for yourself, you have to let go of the old one, as painful as it is. You have to be willing to lose the good as well as the bad, to finally get something better. That’s what I had to do. A fresh start, a fresh heart, one that couldn’t be tainted with your dirty hands.
The most beautiful thing I’ve experienced was my becoming. For so long I thought it was you, you were all I had in life, but it turns out it has always been me. At the end of the day, I have nobody but myself to get me up the next day. I found something worth living for in myself, my dreams, and my successes.
You gave that to me. So thank you.
I never thought I’d thank you for breaking my heart, for destroying my soul. But I am thankful. I’m thankful for the lessons, for the fresh start, for the new me I wouldn’t have, if I didn’t lose you.
Thank you for teaching me how to tell when I’m being lied to. Thank you for teaching me not everyone’s intentions are as pure as mine. Thank you for teaching me I can survive, through the hardest parts of life, the lowest lows, I can thrive.
Thank you for giving that to me, and thank you for ensuring no one else will ever get as much of me as you did.
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